and just like that, he gave me my keys. he knew i was drunk. he knew i was mad. and he gave me keys so that i could drive away.  i just keep replaying all the terrible things that could have happened to me. my teammate JUST got a dwi 2 weeks ago. i could have hurt myself. or someone else. and he hasn’t once checked on me to see if i am okay.

it makes me feel like no one is looking out for me.

IVE FINALLY COMMITTED!!!!!!!!! IVE VERBALLY COMMITTED TO A UNIVERSITY!!!!!

mmm. glad to get that off my chest.

New Orleans here I come.

Today..

Today I let my frustration get to me. So many times I’ve felt not good enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough. My coach, she just doesn’t get it.

It doesn’t matter how many aces I can get at practice, nor crazy hustle plays or blocks or even hits. I could outdo Candyce in every aspect of volleyball, but I will never be good enough for her. Because I’m the girl that works hard. I’m the girl that pushes other people. If I have an attitude, it’s a problem. If I need new shoes, it can wait. If I need her to talk to coaches for my recruitment, she forgets. If she didn’t want me this year, why didn’t she just get rid of me like literally over half of my teammates last year? Why does she do this to me, to Colbi, to Yuan. We aren’t all in the same situation, but she treats us like girls she didn’t really want. She makes it seem like she just needed to fill spots.

I miss my old team so bad. We always went out together. We always respected each other. We leaned on each other. This year I was on homecoming court and I was feeling really self-conscious that day, especially in my dress. Colbi and Yuan were the only ones that told me I looked beautiful. They were the only ones that helped get ready, and made me feel like I was special. Fu couldn’t be there, but Colbi made it the very best she could have. Everyone else? A couple said they liked my dress. I guess you don’t really ever know what you have until it’s gone.

I’m alive. I’m healthy. I’m loved by my family. I’m needed by my roommates. I’m treasured by Skeaton.. apparently. My class was cancelled this morning. Gail sent me the most wonderful Valentine in the mail. Courtney called just to tell me how she is doing on her new medicine. The sun is shining. The construction outside my window isn’t that loud. I didn’t die on a treadmill. Coach bought me lunch and dinner. My brother is going to help me pay for Wiz Khalifa tickets. Mathew is coming home from Indiana for a short break. I might get to support my mom this weekend. Trevor said he may try and see us on Saturday. I get to meet Gage’s parents tonight. I get to laugh at Miles’ little brother getting drunk. There are so many things to be thankful for on this Thursday! BUT, my best friend is always on my mind. I just wish she could sit back for a second and realize how good her life really is. We are all so blessed.